[ Blue Man Sings The Whites ]

[ Watch The Birdie (Page 5) ]

“AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!”

Give it a rest.

“AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!”

No, seriously, knock it off.

“Haha... haha... heh heh... AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAAHAHAAAA!”

It’s been a bloody week since the Green Bay game. This is starting to get really, really boring.

“Alright... heh... Okay. Okay. Heh. I’m alright now, I am. So who is it you’ve got this week again?”

We’re in St. Louis to play the Rams.

“AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!”

Oh, I hate you. I hate you so much.

“Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean... Right, right, under control. I can do this. I can. Okay. This St. Louis team isn’t quite as strong as it has been in recent years, although the usual suspects remain in place. Marshall Faulk doesn’t show any signs of slowing down in his 11th season in the league. He won’t break many tackles, mostly because not many players will get close enough to try and tackle him. Lamar Gordon is his backup and plays as the team’s starting fullback. He’s an indifferent blocker, but has great catching ability and halfback speed, so you’ll have to be aware of him coming out of the backfield. Marc Bulger has supplanted Kurt Warner as the triggerman, but Torry Holt and Isaac Bruce remain one of the best wideout tandems in the NFL. The difference between this season and, say, 2001 is the supporting cast – as in, there isn’t one. The rookies Shawn McDonald and Kevin Curtis are both quick, but have so-so hands, while Cam Cleeland and Brandon Manumaleuna...”

Easy for you to say.

“...are only average tight ends. The offensive line’s weakness is up the gut, so if you’re dumb enough to blitz and leave Holt and Bruce one-on-one with your corners...”

I think we both know that I am.

“...then that’s where you’ll have to do it. The defence is pretty useful all the way around, but there are a couple of flaws you might be able to take advantage of. Their linebacker group is okay, but nothing more – rookie sam LB Pisa Tinoisamoa...”

Easy for you to say.

“You did that joke once, and it wasn’t funny then. He’s a wee bit out of his depth, in any case – quick, but not especially strong or a great technician in the tackle. Marcel Shipp might well be able to trample all over him. The other glaring hole is depth at corner. Aeneas Williams is still an elite DB, but past him there’s a big, big drop-off in talent. Williams might be able to keep Anquan Boldin out of the game, but Bryant Johnson will probably be open all day. Hey...”

What now?

“D’you reckon you can get to three figures this week?”

Hope you die soon.

-

Dark rumours have been flying around Phoenix for the past week, as dark rumours have a habit of doing.

“The defensive co-ordinator’s been fired!”

“Marcel Shipp’s gone on the trade block!”

“Troy Aikman is coming out of retirement to play quarterback!”

“He used to set fire to co-ordinators when he was in charge of the Bengals, you know...”

“The new owner has eaten Dave McGinnis’ liver, with some fava beans and a nice Chianti!”

That last one is obviously ridiculous. I can’t stand sodding fava beans.

All the same, we’ve got a bit of a point to prove, here. As have the Rams – coming off a hellish season by their own high standards, but already having beaten both the other NFC West teams to sit half-a-game behind San Francisco at this early stage of the year. Not a network bobblehead in the land gives us a cat in hell’s chance of winning this game, but being an underdog suits me just fine – means we can headbutt them right in the ‘nads.

We win the toss, and throw down the gauntlet by kicking away and immediately pitting our weaker unit against the Rams’ strongest side of the ball. Now we find out what our defence is made of, whether it’s got the guts and the mettle to stand tall against its highly-paid and highly-rated opposition, whether determination can win out against natural talent, wheth... what do you mean they’ve scored already? 3rd-and-16, Torry Holt runs a simple hook-pattern, beats David “No-Mark” Barrett all ends up and outruns the safety cover to the corner of the endzone.

Nice idea, the gauntlet-thing. Really nice. ARI 0-7 STL

Out comes our offence, then, with our battle-cry ringing in their ears – “Screw this up, and you’re out of a job!” Not having learned our lesson from last week, we persist with passing to set up the run, Bryant Johnson nicking a step on young cornerback Travis Fisher and grabbing fifteen yards for the first down. On the next play, though, St. Louis bring their free safety on the blitz, and Jeff Blake is forced to run for his life. At the very last possible split-second, Blake gets the ball out of there, and Bryan Gilmore makes the catch, spins away from SS Adam Archuletta and screams away downfield, no-one getting close to him all the way to the endzone – it’s our longest offensive play of the season at 63 yards, and it’s the tying score. ARI 7-7 STL

Back come the Rams with a quick-strike to Isaac Bruce for the first. We’re getting more pressure than last week, though, and feeling the pocket collapsing around him Bulger looks for his tight-end as an outlet. Levar Fisher is lurking in the underneath zone, though, and makes a sharp play nipping in front of Manumaleuna (who I hope doesn’t get too many catches today, or I’ll be an RSI case by the end of this writeup) for the pick, which he takes back a few yards to the St. Louis 40. It almost goes without saying that we can’t move the ball, though, and Bill Gramatica nails the 49-yard FG to give us a surprise lead – ARI 10-7 STL

Marshall Faulk has barely touched the ball thus far, but the very thought of him in the backfield is enough to make us buy the play-fake like it’s the first day of the January sales, Bulger lofting the ball over my hapless linebackers to Lamar Gordon for 20. And because we’re plainly compulsive shoppers, we hand over our cash on the very next snap for the exact same play, another easy 20-some yards getting St. Louis into field goal range. Fifteen more gets racked up when nickelback Terry Fair never turns to see the ball and so allows Shawn McDonald to make the catch on a slant, and from our 15 Marshall Faulk spins, jukes, hurdles and dances through insanely heavy traffic, none of our defenders laying a hand on him all the way in... No! At the very, very last possible moment before Faulk goes over the goal-line, cornerback Tay Cody gets a hand in and strips the ball away, diving on it himself for our second turnover of the first quarter.

Phew.

Marcel Shipp is less fancy than the Faulk, but he’s no less effective, bulling straight up the middle for 12 yards to give us breathing room. Freddie Jones is similarly no-nonsense, leaving a trail of would-be tacklers in his wake as he picks up 20 more.

Blake hands the ball to Shipp again, this time on the counter. For a second, the defence think that a small volcanic island is leading the runner into the hole, but later investigation discovers that in actual fact it’s 355-pound guard Leonard Davis on a pull-block.

Davis springs Shipp and it’s only 30 yards later that the Rams get enough men across to actually bring the runner down. 1st down at the Ram 11. This time it’s Blake’s turn to fail to notice there’s a defender between him and his outlet receiver, and he wastes a perfect scoring opportunity with a perfect pass to nickelback DeJuan Groce, which is returned to the 12 as time runs out on an eventful first quarter.

St. Louis make it out to their 40 without incident, but there defensive tackle Wendell Bryant gets to Marc Bulger on 2nd-and-short. On 3rd down, Bulger goes looking for Isaac Bruce on a short curl, but dime-back Reynaldo Hill has the short zone and darts in to end a third consecutive drive with a turnover. The sequence is snapped even though we can’t move the ball at all, Bill Gramatica once again landing the long figgie to extend our lead to 6. We can hardly complain about having the lead in a game we’re expected to lose heavily, but I’m a bit worried about the number of scoring opportunities where we’ve gotten 3 or 0 instead of 7 – how many chances are this Ram team going to give us? ARI 13-7 STL

The unease doesn’t really dissipate as the Rams march 80 easy yards, Bulger dissecting our young secondary with the same surgical precision that Brett bloody Favre showed last week. On 3rd and goal, we try to rattle him with a blitz, but the rushers are picked up, giving Bulger ample time to find Lamar Gordon running an in between my linebackers and safeties. Nuts. 1:57 to play in the half, ARI 13-14 STL

The Rams are licking their lips at the possibility of getting the ball back and extending their lead, too, when they quickly get us to 3rd and 8 deep in our territory. But the Sheepheads get too greedy and bring the big-blitz, leaving the outmatched Travis Fisher trying to cover Johnno man-to-man. That’s never going to fly, and Blake hits the big wideout in-stride, Fisher finally catching up 25 yards downfield. It’s Johnno to the rescue three plays later, too – Fisher’s scared of the giving up the big play now and so covers way too soft, giving plenty of time to bring the ball on a hook timing-pattern, converting a 3rd and 11. The passes are sharp, the routes accurate, and with 30 seconds remaining we find ourselves with a 1st and goal at the Ram 8. Again, St. Louis bring the rush, and Jeff Blake tries to repeat his earlier trick, putting the ball up toward Bryant Johnson. This time he’s hurried, though, and the pass floats enough for FS Jason Sehorn to get under the pattern – Blake’s second pick in the endzone of the afternoon, the dribbling buffoon.

Ooooh, if I had another quarterback who was even halfway-competent, well... Yes. You see if I don't.

Anyway, Sehorn looks up, sees wide open spaces within striking distance and takes off... but he hasn’t spotted Anquan Boldin, who’s been starved of catches all afternoon and suddenly smells the opportunity for some action, racing back into the play like an unguided missile. WHACK! Sehorn’s taken clean off his feet by the vengeful wideout, the ball pops loose... and is fallen on by left guard Pete Kendall at the St. Louis 3 yard line. Crazy. Marcel punches it in, and we’ve taken back the lead with three seconds to play in the half. Even then, there’s enough time for Lamar Gordon to make a 70-yard kickoff return that’s only curtailed by Scott Player’s last-ditch desperate tackle, but at the end of a see-saw half of football that’s seen 6 turnovers and four lead-changes, the score is ARI 20-14 STL

-

Well, this having-a-lead thing is a bit of a novelty, but I’ll try anything once. And, of course, our bold gambit of kicking away to start the first half means we get the ball at the start of the second, with an opportunity to extend our lead. However, the Rams have plainly had a half-time team-talk that was along the lines of “you do realise that this lot lost by sixty-six points last week?” because they come out all guns blazing and get us straight into an Official Down And Distance Of The Arizona Cardinals situation right off the bat. Jeff Blake looks up, sees Johnno has gotten a step on his fly-pattern and puts the ball up for his man to run underneath. But Jason Sehorn, trailing a full five yards behind the play, leaps like Bugs Bunny after a nitroglycerine enema and somehow brings the ball down for an improbable interception at our 41.

So much for the advantage of getting the first possession of the third quarter, then.

The Ram drive lasts one play – Marshall Faulk takes the handoff and tiptoes and dances his way through our entire defence on his way to the endzone. At the 10 he sees the goal-line clear in front of him and raises his hand to the crowd in an “I’m Number One!” gesture...

...a gesture that’s ever-so-slightly, but ever-so-significantly premature. Barely a second later, strong safety Adrian Wilson crashes into him from behind and jars the ball loose.

Whoops! Butterfingers!

Wilson falls on it himself, and for the second time this afternoon Faulk has fumbled with the endzone at his mercy.

Laugh? Why yes. Yes, I believe I did.

St. Louis bring the blitz on a 2nd-and-long, and live to regret it as Jeff Blake hits Bryant Johnson on the hook, then Johnno spins away from his man and takes off, finally getting dragged down 40 yards later. It takes a couple of 3rd-and-short conversions – both no-nonsense smashes up the belly – but 8 plays and 40 yards later Marcel Shipp spins across the goal-line from close range. I think about going for a deuce to give us a clear 2 TD lead, but end up bottling out, and with 4 minutes left in the third quarter we’ve stretched our advantage to a near-miraculous ARI 27-14 STL

St. Louis need a score around about now-ish, but what they get is a 3-and-out, sacks on successive plays leaving them in a 3rd and 18 situation that a short dump-off to Torry Holt can’t get them out of. Terry Fair takes the punt in at halfway, Dexter Jackson gently easing a Ram tackler away and behind to allow the catch to be made, more nice blocking opens up half a hole ahead and Fair needs no further invitation, flashing through the gap and away for our first special teams return TD of the season. ARI 34-14 STL

There’s a touch of controlled panic about the Rams, now, and they march straight downfield, treating our defence with the contempt it deserves. Marshall Faulk finally manages to get past the ball-repelling force-field that seems to be covering our goal-line, but the drive’s had no big plays and the clock’s running out for St. Louis at an alarming rate – just 10 minutes left in the 4th quarter as Jeff Wilkins makes the PAT to bring the score to ARI 34-21 STL

We could really use a long, clock-killing drive – which is exactly what we don’t get. Two runs and a short completion keep the clock moving, though, and Scott Player puts a ton of air under his punt, resulting in a fair catch at the Ram 30 with 8 minutes to play. This is four-down time for St. Louis, and they’re forced to prove that with a 4th and 12 at our 33. Our on-again, off-again defensive line doesn’t bother to show up for a play, though, and gives Marc Bulger all the time he needs to find 3rd wideout Shawn McDonald for 20 and a fresh set of downs. He only needs one, mind, Brandon Manumaleuna taking a short pass and bowling defenders over on his way into the endzone, and suddenly this game’s tighter than Linford Christie’s posing pouch – 5 minutes left, ARI 34-28 STL

It’s too early for the Rams to risk an onside kick, so it all comes down to our offence – if we can hang on to the ball and string together about three first downs, the game’s ours. Above all, though, we have to keep the clock moving. St. Louis realise this, and on 2nd and 7 they come out stacked against the run in a 4-6, safety up, daring us to try and pass.

Challenge accepted. Blake to Johnson, 11 yards and the zebras are moving the sticks. Three straight carries for Marcel Shipp get us another fresh set of downs, and as the two-minute warning sounds we’re facing another 2nd and 7 around the halfway line. Again St. Louis stacks against the run, again we take advantage of the matchup with a quick, high-percentage pass – Anquan Boldin this time, for a ten-yard pickup that forces the Rams to use their first timeout. It looks like we’ve wrapped this thing up when sweet blocking seals most of the St. Louis defence inside and allows Shipp to trundle for 18 yards to set up a first down at the Ram 20, but Marcel momentarily takes leave of his senses and allows himself to be shoved out of bounds to stop the clock. He makes matters worse three plays later when he’s stopped short on 3rd and 2, but on the upside we’ve eaten all the Rams’ timeouts, ground four minutes off the clock and returned the lead to two scores as Bill Gramatica makes the chipshot field goal to make it ARI 37-28 STL

If there’s a team in the NFL capable of scoring twice in a minute, though, it’s the Rams. On a 4th and 2 at midfield, Holt takes a short hook, turns, and outruns our entire team for an infuriating 50-some yard TD despite our entire secondary playing very, very soft and very, very deep. Deep enough, you might have reasonably expected, for one of them perhaps to have bothered to amble across and maybe, you know, tried to tackle the sod at some point. You would have expected wrong, it seems. Who will rid me of this turbulent wide receiver? 17 ticks left, then, and suddenly that last figgie is looking desperately important – ARI 37-35 STL

This time it’s an onside kick, of course, and out comes our “hands” team to try and win this one for us. Jeff Wilkins drives his kick into the turf, the ball hops up and skids erratically over the ground as the Rams charge forward en masse to try and secure it... but too late as, to my profound relief, Bryan Gilmore falls on the rock, allowing Jeff Blake to take a knee and run the clock out on a game that was much, much closer at the end than it should have been. We’ve bounced back from last week’s rogering very well, and are now 2-0 on the road and 0-2 in our house. While Marc Bulger put up over 450 passing yards in a losing cause, we’ve racked up our first 100-yard running game of the season (Shipp – 30 carries, 135 yards and a brace of scores) and our first 100-yard receiving game, as well (the ever-reliable Bryant Johnson, of course – 5 catches for 102 and, bizarrely, a pair of pancakes).

Final score, then – ARI 37-35 STL

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(c) daniel roe 2004